What time is it? GAME TIME
But first, we hear:
ITEM! Michael Olowakandi so distraught over Pacers brawl that he refuses to part with hula skirt at Tiki Bob's in Indy and ends up getting stun 101'd twice. HOLLERS AT YOU, KANDIMAN. It took two stunnies to send that big boy down! Reminds me of '93 right after I ditched the Falls when I was a young buck in the Association and Jayson Williams took all the rookies out to a giant steak dinner at Peter Luger in BK and then to the champagne room at Scores before inviting us and some of those fine ass females back to his place in Jersey where he forced us to play naked twister while pointing a shotgun at our dingalings and laughing. He laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed until our tears filled his bathtub and then he cleansed himself with our sorrow. Even now sometimes right before I fall asleep at night I hear the faint echo of that laugh. He was so drunk that night LOL. FREE KANDI! It's ELECTRIC! HIGH NRG!
INSIDER HORNETS ITEM! Fo real what is up with the MashMan curse? Dude's been injured since before we packed up and moved to Creole country and moments after Jamal gave up the A to Jamaal and became J-Mal (as first reported in last week), what happens? Jamaal Vowel Slayer becomes cursed and ends up on the IL (in the Association we call the injured list the IL, dig? I know I shouldn't be spilling all this insider info but that's why they call me SCOOOOOOOOP) after busting up his ring finger worse than I did the night I punched that wall when they told me Bobby Phills wasn't gonna make it (R.I.P. PHILLY BOB WE MISS YOU I'LL SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS SO YOU WON'T BE LONELY, K?). Whatever man, it was straight thuggin' when Vowel Slayer tossed the ball at that ugly ass white dude. After he did it he came over to the bench and was like "That ain't the first time some big black dude's tossed balls at his face, but it was the first time someone did it for free!" LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!! Sources tell Mike Dunleavy picks up dudes on the down low!!!!! Get your wallpaper of the Big Cat now!
NEWS ANALYSIS OF PREVIOUS ITEM! Okay I know the Jamaal Magloire Vowel Slayer injury sounds bad but check it out: We're not gonna win any games but we weren't gonna win any anyway. So this is A+++ NEWS for DW. No Baron Von Davis, no Mash, no Vowel Slayer...it's all me. DRAINING THREEPEES ALL DAY ya heard? Word to Lord Byron. But there's something VERY UN-HIGH NRG about this whole sitchation. What is UP with David West starting now? Another David Wes in the lineup is gonna mess with my jersey sales, which messes with my money. And DW HATES IT when you mess with his money. Because when you mess with his money you mess with his family. And when you mess with his family you mess with his kids. And when you mess with his kids you gonna get mess tossed up all over you because those damn kids can't keep NOTHING down PARENTS OF NEWBORNS HOLLER and watch out for SERIOUS BEATDOWN ACTION MR. WEST.
BLIND ITEM! Which Man of the Lake is so upset about having no time to go visit Santa at the mall that he?s been resting his head in the lap of guys in the Association in the middle of Jasminlive games because he wants a Nintendo DS so he can finally prove to Brian Grant that he can read? Jumaine Jones!
RELATED! Jumaine Jones just two-wayed me to say that Lamar Odom already bought him the DS, but then he also told me a funny story that for some reason had NOTFORPAGHE4NOT FOR PAGE4NOTFORPAGE4 written at the top. Told you he couldn?t read and write! So check this, EXCLUSIVE TO Jumaine Jones sources tell that Kobe was so pumped to hear the new Nas double album that he put it on in the locker room while the Lakers were suiting up to play the Knuck if you Bucks (WHAT!) last night. He was nodding his head and all that when the song "These Are Our Heroes" came on which God?s Son (not God?s son like Big Baby Basketball Jesus Dwyane Wade but God?s Son like Nasir Jones) casually disses Kobe and Taye "Grant Hill" Diggs for sleeping with white women!!!! EXLUSIVE TO EXCLUSIVE TO !!! The room got all quiet until Chris Mihm came out of the shower without a towel and all the brothers started laughing at him. Kobe still looked pissed though and then he stoop up and screamed "God?s Son???!!!! More like Clod?s Dumb!!!" but nobody laughed so there was this weird awkward silence but then Luke Walton farted so everybody started laughing again. Kobe so rattled he only shot un-DW-like LOW NRG 4 for 13 but they won anyway!!! Coach Tony Montana (In the Association that?s what we call Rudy Tomjonovitch because he has that big scar on his face and Tony Montana was Scarface LOL I know right?) to put Kobe-diss freestyles on wax with production by Kanye West before every game so Kobe Bean will pass the ball to the Coomunist bloc down low! DW ain?t not history guy but didn?t we just fight that war in the snow so we wouldn?t have to be like Divac and Medved4nko? Coach Montana does NOT honor the fallen EXCLUSIVE TO !!!!
ITEM! My sources are buzzing over the breaking news that Pacers coach Rick Carlile decides to take action against lack of THREEPEE specialists since the suspensions of the Tru Warier and Facecracker Jackson by arranging TOP SECRET and experimental finger transplant surgery between digit specialist Tirso Furcal and Jamaal Tinsley!
Michael Jordans older brother James isa a tru Warier!
Jordan has asked to stay in the Army for a year beyond his mandatory retirement date so he could complete a deployment to Iraq with the 35th Signal Brigade."We are currently at war," the older Jordan told The Fayetteville Observer. "We are doing things, and it requires leaders to do certain things. That's what I am, a leader."
Many people in sports media and also EDUtainers like the toss around war talk when they talk sports. They toss it around like they toss around Steve Blakes gameworn buttocks on the dulles airport shuttle.
They say we gotta "hunker down in the trenches", we gotta march down the field and "go into battle"
like when KG said tru quote:
"This is it and for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, loading up the Uzi, I've got a couple of M-16s, a couple of nines and a couple of joints with some silencers on them. I'm just loading up chaturbat clips, a couple of grenades, a missile launcher with a couple of missiles."
-and the time when Jimmy "The Rat" Lynam yelled: "we gotta Splice the Main Brace you Jack Tar bastards!" on the golf course.
Even commentators get into the act.!!!
Like when Renee Knott described Tracy Murray as having "50 confirmed kills."
And TNT ANALIST Tim "The Bomb Squad" Legler last week was a War Hawk.
His veins bulged as he swore to smoke the fans out and yelled "Drop the bomb. Kill them All" while he rode his swift boat into the interior with a very very high Randell Jackson, looking to exterminate the naked and clay-painted SIR Charles, the once powerful company man who turned native, turned mad, mumbling to himself in a spider hole, a spider holed choked with darkness, choked with the scent of Old Spice.
Tim Legeler leaves his door unlocked and sleeps with a loaded gun under his pillow. Tim Legler couldnt even join the army if he wanted on account of his Plantar Fascitus. He would have to ride in the back of the humvee in a sharp double-breasted huntergreen suit, cheering on the team.
SO Michael Jordan is NO warrier. Hes not a leader of men.
Its men like JAMES "JJ" J Jordan that go into battle and are leaders of men.
You wont find James Jordan calling his squad mates "mules"
and he doesnt need lockerroom notice boards to motivate cause he motivates for GOD and for USA USA USA not for humiliating his opponents.
James Jordan goes into battle to protect us from ruthless narcissistic dictators. Maybe he should have saved his trouble and just taped Brother Michael to a chair, because MJ is the Saddam Hussein of the Association though thankfully Abe Pollin deposed him. Because if you think Abu Graib prison was bad, then you obviously never heard the story about MJs "Faggot Pyramid" he built in the MCI practice gym one day. Its just a matter of time until Kwame Brown talks to Steve Croft about the nightmares, and the truths!!:
Ty Lue atop the pyramid, weeping and wetting himself and wetting the whole pyramid, a pyramid of humans and a pyramid of our HYPOCRISY while Salieri and uncle tom COLLINS sat around laughing, taunting and posing for pictures.
Congratulations to Michael Ruffin and wife Mistye on their 4th baby, a new baby girl!!!
He missed a practice and we really MIST YE, Mike!!
I ain't mess with nothing that serious. We won. No lie. REPORTS THAT THE HORNETS MOTHERLOVIN WON. We beat the Coney Island Warrrrrrrrrriiiiiioooooorrrrrrrsssssss behind David DW Scoop Wesley's 18 points 6 dimes 3 thieveries. And here's the crazy part y'all...absolutely NO THREEPIES> That's right, I knew what it was gonna take to get my squad the W because I'm a TRUWARIER. I needed to get my soldiers involved so they wouldn't be sad anymore and just skip the post after showering and head home to their wives leaving me to play Live '05 in the locker room by myself like they been doing (PS2 set to "Pro" VERY VERY difficult to beat), and even though DW possesses the power to rain THREEPIES on all defenders at all times, I dimed it out while still adding my 18. Matt Freiji even had 8 points, and we just pulled him from the stands during the shootaround because Alex Garcia went down! But on the real I gotta holler at my new main man Dan Dickau FOR REAL. I was sorry to see that little crackhead Stretch Armstrong go, but this dude is coming up large for us down in the Bayou. He's become one of the Hot Boys, and we even gave him a nickname: Dick Oww. Hahaha LOL get it??!?!? His name is spelled like Dickau but you say it like Dick Oww like someone kicked him in the nutsies or something lol. By the way, you seen this dude's wife?
She becomes a dancer for whichever team he plays for and for real let's just say that I take back everything I said about our Dance squad last week because I NEED to get in their good graces so they'll go back to inviting me to their Saturday afternoon knitting circle even though my Double Front Cross skills are WEAK. But my Raised Purl is mighty like THREEPIES. DAN THE MAN LOVES YOU! Let Scoop come by the crib for macchiato and pie, dog! But first, we hear:
ITEM! has exclusive insider info from the place where we lay our dough also known as NEW ORLEANS for those who ain't down with the Hornerts or as I like to say THE BAYOU. Times have gotten so rough for my squad that we can't even find someone who wants to have their name on our arena! Yo, haven't they heard we WON? I better not let the boys hear about this. Last time they got news this depressing (AKA the time I murdered Bobby Phills) P.J. Brown had to wear Depends for four months. The dude COULD NOT gather the strength to pull his draws down! It took 5 consecutive lap dances at the Gold Club (on DW's black AMEX, of course) when were in town playing the Hawks for that dude to get the spark back that we all know and love. Oh man but then he felt all guilty and the whole flight back he was stealing the flight attendents' bags of peanuts to give to his wife because he was too cheap to by some flowers. LOW NRG, PJ, stay classy big boy. For real, even I'M starting to think they should just combine us with the Bobcats and let us split the home games between New Orleans and Charlotte, and that's coming from team leader and TRUWARIER!
ITEM! Reacting to San Antonio's announcement that they would retire Sean Elliot's jersey, old school legend Bernard King phoned while I was at my favorite Charlotte area Shoney's (the one on Grand St. at Malvern) before the loss to the Bobcats. Damn I miss that Shoneys, they do this thing with the chocolate shakes there where they put in a swirl of vanilla and then some rainbow jimmies on top and it's SO GOOD. Me and Tractor Traylor used to get like 3 of them each and then we'd get so full that we'd throw up while doing line drills at http://www.livejasmin.cc practice it was so funny but Old Man Silas used to get sooooooooooooooo mad lol. Anyway, in his EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW The King had this to say: "Yo they trying to jive me. DW. Let me see if I got this straight. Some cat gets his kidney swapped, he plays a couple games, he retires because he ain't no thang, and then they give him a parade and put his number in the rafters? Playboy I'm a LEGEND on the streets, I blew out my knee worse than Jordan's mule after a lifetime'a whuppin', came back and was an ALL-STAR, gammin' it up all over the hardwood and what's that got me? Four palimony settlements and a cripple limp! I busted my conk out there, buddy gee, and the Knicks ain't done give me scrimp!" Sources tell New York should probably retire Bernard King's number before his cashes his welfare check and cops that .38!
ITEM! Vince Carter became the only player in the history of the Association to demand a trade to the Nets! It's true! Sources tell that Carter become obsessed with skinny white people with messy hair, and he started listening to music only on an iPod (guys in the league usually go with the Rocbox instead) and making comments like "Dunking is so over." Things got even more confusing when Carter posted his Top 10 Records of 2004 list on the bulletin board that guys usually put those motivational quotes on, with something called Arcade Fire at #1 and the comment "They're in Canada too, Skip [Raptors PG Rafer "Skip to My Lou" Alston], haven't you heard?" He then called up Toronto GM Rob Babcock and demanded the trade to New Jersey explaining that "they're moving to Brooklyn soon" and that he wants "to be as close to Enid's as possible." Whatever that is! Vince, you a strange dude, but hollers at you, man!
Alright y'all, that's it for this week. Sorry, but DW is short on time because I gotta go pick up Karl Malone cuz we're gonna cruise some taco stands. It used to be a weekly thing between him and Kobe but for some reason Kobe doesn't want to do it no more.
And don't forget that SNITCHES GET A HOLE IN THEIR HEAD so Scoop ain't saying NOTHING!
Another rough week for DW
But like I said last time around, the more losses we get the more Lord Bryon gets frustrated, the more frustrated Lord Byron gets the more practices he cuts short. Fewer practices = more two-waying for gossip item collection = HIGH NRG superior turnout!
Hornets still have 1 win but I don't give a WHAT! No BVD, no Jamaal Magloire Vowel Slayer, what do you expect? The rest of the season I'm just like Chingy, man cuz I GOTTA GET MINE (Dropped 18 on T-Mac WHAT). How am I supposed to play with dudes like Corsley Edwards and Junior Harrington if I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THEY ARE. I don't even know if those dudes are black. They sound like some IV League clowns or something. Ima call up Big Bossman Bristow and find out. But first, we hear:
ITEM! Sources DEEP inside MSG tell that the Knicks are PISSED that the D the I the D the D the Y designed the Mavs some new jerseys without coming to the Knicks first, with him supposed to be all repping for the NYC and all 'at. But it turns out Sean John is close with Mavs owner Mark Cuban (who ALSO writes stuff on the internets just like your boy DW) and Cuban wanted a replacement for those ugly ass tinfoil uni's they had last year that made them look like those baked potatoes that PJ Brown stuffs in his cargo shorts when we're at Ruth's Chris on the road because he's SO DAMN CHEAP that he eats the things for breakfast the next day so he doesn't have to pay for griddle cakes at Mickey D's like the rest of us. P.J. what is WRONG with you, man? YOU GOT THAT PAPER, ya heard so just chill, aight? That dude's straight tarded!
NEWS ANALYSIS! Yo, on the real, Puff's jerseys look clean. Man, can y'all keep a secret or what? Playing for the Hornets sucks. It sucks worse than Tyra Banks after one too many Cosmos if you believe C-Webb...or if you believe Peja but don't tell C-Webb he'd be SOOOOOOOOOOO pissed LOL. Sources tell that C-Webb wonders aloud where the hairs in Tyra's shower came from!!! It sucks worse than those days back on the Falls when I had no money, no groupies, no Bentley, and no ghost of Bobby Phills using up all the hot water in my damn shower (R.I.P. PHILLY BOB)!!!!
Yo for real, The Knicks got Spike Lee sitting courtside, the Lakers got that old white dude with the big ding-a-ling who takes you out after the game and dishes rocks like Steve Nash with a habit, and the Kings are owned by a coupla clowns who OWN VEGAS CASINOS and hand out $100,000 markers to their dudes like they were Santa in an orphanage with a sack full of teddy bears and a heart heavy with egg nogg!
What do the Hornets got? One win, a move to the Western Conference, a Mashman curse, some spicy-as-hell food, a captain who don't want to play for us and cheerleaders who think giving brain means donating Q-Tips. If I wasn't leading the squad in POINTS, DIMES AND THIEVERY I'd get out this mu'fuh but I'm a TRUWARIER and will "Soldier" on cuz that's what Beyonce wants!!!
DW ALWAYS HIGH NRG! NO MORE TEARS~
ITEM! Sources tell that SNITCHES GET A HOLE IN THEIR HEAD. This is especially bad for us since we're really into this whole second career with the gossip thing (Yo BIG UP to front office fo sho). The knees are giving out and the THREEPEES ain't falling like they used to and as that wildass clown Spree once said how else can I feed my family? Yes, Spree feels our pain and has been known to make his feelings known in teary cell phone calls to while on the bus between particulary vicious wedgy sessions with Wally Szerbizak and the #1 Stunna as reported in last week's !!!!!
The first two issues of have had items of Denver's fluffiest Melo Nougat, but the front office just sent down a memo that we can't talk about that dude NO MORE. He might put some money on my MOTHER [EXPLETIVE] BRAIN!!!!!! NOT COOL, Carmelo!!! LOW NRG!!!!
Sources tell that Larry Brown should stay away from B-more LOL!! What ever happened to Olympic spirit and goodwill?!?!!? I think it disappeared once those Greeks figured out that Alexander was a battyboy! Looks like I need to get those Youngest Guns to protect me with their arsenal of 85-step high-fives!
NO MORE CARMELO ANTHONY ITEMS FROM YOUR BOY SCOOP I DO NOT WANT A HOLE IN MY HEAD I GOT KIDS TO FEED.
ITEM! Word got out to some other column that STOLE OUR NAME that Carmelo Anthony loves stupid-as-hell cartoon monkey heads!!!!!! Call that boy Paul Frank and while you're at it holler at Josie Wales and then hit up Peter "Sears-Mart" Parker's suite and cop summadat Moet from the ice bucket because he only drinks Midori sours anyway!!!! And what's up with Little Boy Boykins wanting to stay on another floor? Last time one of our guys tried to pull that the authorities needed DNA samples from George Lynch AND Rodney Rogers!!
Bet they never taught you about THAT at Texas Christian, Lee Nailon!!! lol
NEWS ANALYSIS! It's always funny when stuff like this gets out because we all do it. Here's some INSIDE SCOOP F.or Y.our E.yes O.nly: On the road Sam Cassell AKAs as Lucille Balls (he can wrap his dingaling around his leg EXCLUSIVE TO !)! Shawn Kemp uses George Jung! Dirk Nowitzki thinks Dirk Diggler is too obvious so he uses Heinrich Himmer (I don't understand it but I report it anyway LOL!)! Gilbert Arenas goes by Chico DeBarge (WIZZ TORCHBEARER!!)! Kobe is tired of getting harassed so he goes by Michael Redd!
David Wesley can be found under?WAIT WAIT WAIT you don't think I'ma tell you do you? They call me SCOOP but I ain't scooping MYSELF!! Okay okay I'll tell you ... Bobby Phills!
BLIND ITEM! Which dissed-on-wax baller was so pissed by a recent EXCLUSIVE to report that he snapped on teammates and then dug up the body of Big Baby Jesus and pasted a cut-out of Karl Malone's face over Ol' Dity Bastard's because he's a fan of visual metaphors that leave little to the imagination? Kobe Bryant!
ITEM! Tru Warier, Pimpleface Haymaker, Facecrack Jackson and two scrubs are getting locked up! I thought I told you that SNITCHES GET A HOLE IN THEIR HEAD. POURS ONE OUT for our homiez...They rep Indy but I ain't madatcha. But still, YOU SUCKAS GOT SERVED! Don't worry about DW getting into that kind of mess, us Baylor Bears handle out bizness right....we ditch your decomposing body in an abandoned quarry!!!!
A NUT HARVEST FOR THE AGES!
Squirrels and also ANTs collect seeds for the winter, while the greedy grasshopper thinks only of today and eats and eats and saves none for later.
John Williams, Rod Strickland, Scott Skiles, Tracy Murray, Ledell Eackles
Lorenzo Williams (Injured Reserve)
Jeffries: ANT! Ruffin: ANT! Dixon: ANT! Thomas: ANT!
Arenas: ANT! (also Chocolate Chicken! )
Also the Randy Squirrel!
The ANTZ run and gun cuz trhe Wiz dont BLINK. Peter John "PJ" Ramos literally doesnt blink, because of soft Puerto Rican laws on industrial pollution. He pours gatorade in his eyes to stop them from crusting up. (In Puerto Rico the cherry gatorade running down his face was often mistaken as STIGMATA and earned him the nickname:
Peter non Colpevole ("Virgin Pete")
The team is holding strong now that LBoogie has unlaced his dancing shooz.
Juan Dixon is biting ankles with the confidence that comes from a lifetime of being told "No you cant!" and also the confidence of wearing antiseptic trousers as a young growing man.
Constable Hayes has a swollen thumb but a swollen heart as well.
B Haywood is vanishing quicker than a glass of warm scotch at an Unseld family reunion.
Jared Jeffries is playing the clutch D with go go gadget arms
Etan is getting his groove back, even though he is struggling to find his rhythm like a poet who rimes "disheveled skies" with "Nigh comes the bacon man?"
Samaki is Swahili for TINMAN!
Steve Blake is zipping around, engulfed in his signature cloud of filth, like Pigpen in Keds!
Kwame Brown has his foot in a moonboot because of Postwerior Ankle Impingement.
When he was dunked by God in Gorgeous OIl as a baby they held him by the ankle!
This is not the first Posterior Impingement to happen to a Washington baller, but it is the first that didn't involve a frozen pigtail! Holla Randell Jackson! Holla Gaithersburg Special Victims Unit!
And then of course there is Gilbert Arenas, the Original Chippendale. Gilberts passing out dimes! Hes also passes out in bathtubs quicker than Liza Minelli after a Zima breakfast!
And the mainstream media is taking notice. As we said before, Its only a matter of time until espn the magazine runs a probing profile titled: "Whats Eating Gilbert Arenas?"
They say Gilbert was a knucklehead and now hes a team player, but Gilberts still stone cold crazy.
Crazy enough to actually believe the Wizards can win.
Crazy in his twitchy smiles and shy social manner, and he is crazy in his passion for the game and crazy in his unpoplar opinions on rape in the animal kingdom.
We were away for a couple of reasons
One NEW MANAGEMENT AT THE CIRCUIT CITY meant we have not had access to games on NBA Kwame Pass.
Also, we looked into the eyes of Phil Chenier and awoke a week later with piles of mulch in the office. (Its Not the first time!)
And mostly, like Tony ("Jah would never give the power to a baldhead") Kornehiser says today in the Post : The wizards are like Purple Crocuses: winning is taking some time to get used to!!!
Just like Kwame Brown was hypnotized in the locker room by the slow sensual marvels of his body shifting and rising before it finally settled into the beathtaking unchaste landscape we see before us now.
The wizards are suddenly hotter that Leslie Shepphard in a wave pool!!!
And now the national media is all over the wizards quicker than a cancer-sniffing dog sidling up to Abe Pollin!
The wizards are shooting first and asking questions later and that question is "Whos Next?" and sometimes"Samaki can you pass me the biscuits?"
They are Truly living the slogan PURE ENERGY!!
This is not the first time the Washington bullets and wizards have had slogans that were SO TRU, like look at some from the past:
1996: "Balls In Motion!"
1992:"Blacks and Snacks!"
2002: "A Young Man in Shorts!"
1988: "Pungent Dreams!"
2000: "Out of our brief year slips May, and Winter lingers, and Summer flies; and sorrow abides, and pleasure dies; and the days are short, and the nights are long, and little is right, and much is wrong!"
LBoogie could filch the hair of your head! Now the hole world knows what we always knew, that LBoogie has game, and it's a deadpan game!
The wizards are also winning off the court! Which makes life very hard for the because we are storytellers BUT But as long as we have Michael CROOKSHANKS Ruffin and GWIZ and Gilbert Arenas aka THE CHOCOLATE FREDDO there is always promise for the .
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